The Grieving Process
What is grief?
Grief put simply is what we feel at the loss of someone or something we care about.
There is a misconception that grief is only the loss or death of a loved one usually human, but grief is actually about the loss of anything that we care about whether that is a pet, our health – whether due to onset of long-term or deteriorating illness or accident, a job, a possession of meaning such as our home or a keep sake from someone we loved.
Every individual will go through a process with their loss which is commonly understood in stages which can vary between those who have written about them, from 5 to around 8 stages. These stages are by no means linear and are often repeated or revisited and last as long as they last. In other words, grieving is messy and human.
This year 2020 has been one of great loss for so many, not being able to visit friends or family, for many young people they even missed sitting their exams which understandably caused a great deal of anxiety and concern for their futures, not being able to go on the holiday many had planned and paid for, losing jobs due to companies having to close down and some companies even shutting down completely as they could not afford to weather the storm that is the pandemic of Coronavirus.
With deaths from all the usual suspects from accidents to old age to cancer and all the other life limiting diseases and illnesses still affecting everyone, Coronavirus also added to the records showing many deaths attributing to this. It is this virus that has resulted in many not being allowed attend hospitals or care homes or personal individual homes to say their farewells to their loved ones who died. On top of this not being able to attend funerals, due to limitations in traveling or restrictions in the numbers allowed to attend due to the Coronavirus, this year has seen a lot of people struggling with grief.
For the purposes of this blog I will talk about the grief of loosing a person or pet as many have also had to have their beloved pets to sleep and not be present or have restrictions at this difficult time. Within my practice I work with 5 stages with my clients so these are the stages I will talk about here.
What are the stages I work with?
Shock
Denial
Depression
Anger
Acceptance/moving on
Shock often comes first, especially when it is a sudden death, though as with all stages as mentioned there is no order that they follow, and every individual will be different. That feeling of unreality, maybe a hollowness, an inability to touch those feelings, they have not sunk in yet.
Denial, this can also be bargaining – it has not really happened, they will walk through the door anytime. If I do ……..(act of kindness for example) the situation will change back, they will appear. It just is not real! Sadly, it is real and this denial and bargaining does not change this fact, but it is stage that we go through regardless.
Anger, how dare they leave me! How dare God, Goddess, Spirits, Ancestors, Deities take them! How dare the human causing the accident take them! How dare my friends, family, society get on with their lives or expect me to!
Depression, possibly an inability to do, to function. Not feeling any joy in doing activities that were pleasurable, not participating in life. This can also feel like that hollowness of shock, but knowing it is real. Wanting that loved one back.
Acceptance/moving on, this is Not to me about getting over the death of a loved one or beloved pet, but about finding ways to learn to live without them. As let’s face it losing a parent or child or partner or animal friend that is close never leaves us humans, but we do find ways to learn to live with that loss until that coping becomes a new normal.
Grieving is normal, the process is normal. Sadly as a society who does not like to talk about death in this country, grieving is something that is often kept behind closed doors, the person grieving can end up being judged for grieving too long or too hard, or not long enough or not in the right way. I always ask my clients, so what is the right way, how long is long enough or not long enough? Who is to judge this? After all we all feel in our own individual and unique ways, because we are human, and by being humans we do it in our own unique and often messy way. And that Should be Okay.
Different cultures grief in different ways, some are very expressive in how they feel, whilst others are very insular and quiet. Neither is right and neither is wrong, grief is personal. The important this about grief is to go with it, as long as it is not harming anyone or yourself, express it. Shout, cry, wail, sing, dance. Sit with your grief awhile and feel how it feels. Do not let others dictate how it should look or feel or be expressed or how long - as I say as long as it harms non including yourself, then there is no right or wrong.
In many cultures, religions, spirituality, belief systems it is believed that the dead soul/spirit is still around, whether this is in the form of heaven or summerlands or space to travel to a reincarnation at some time in the future, it is often a comfort to feel that they can still hear you.
Being able to feel that you can talk to your loved one is important for many to manage the stages of grief, and I often suggest to my clients to talk to their dead loved ones and tell them about their day, their worries, joys etc. It is a human condition to need to share what we have always shared in life with that person or pet.
As a counsellor I am asked should the individual get help or counselling to work through their grief?
My answer is that it is a very personal choice. If you are working through the feelings, then no.
If you, your friend or child are struggling or stuck or not grieving or it is too overwhelming, and you wish for help or support then yes, always yes, do get in touch with myself or other qualified and registered professional.
Grief is only a problem to our mental health if we do not allow ourselves to grieve or move through the stages. As mentioned, the stages are not linear, they are mess and human. Stages can be repeated many times before grieving is finished, and come in any order, sometime the repetition hits out of the blue. I have had client’s comment, ‘I’ve done this, I’ve felt this, why am I back here again?’ MY answer is: ‘Because you are human and grieving, and grief doesn’t come in a pass this stage and move on, it is a do this stage perhaps several times, returning to it until it is done kind of scenario.’
When the loss is sudden such as in the loss of a loved one through a accident or heart-attack or stroke in a apparently healthy person, can potentially be more challenging, but non the less All loss is painful and can be expressed by the body mentally, emotionally and physically.
Although there is no time limit on grief and grieving if it appears to be detrimental to long term health and wellbeing or the individual is struggling this may be the time to seek help or support.
Acceptance that this is a natural messy human process can be the key to working through the stages and allowing that natural course of time not to heal the wounds as such, but to learn to live without that person or pet will then allow you to move forward. Yes, from time to time, especially on anniversaries or the first birthday/Christmas/holiday/festival without them will potentially be really tough. But that acceptance and allowing yourself to feel how it feels can help you work through it.
Again, if ever when grieving you feel stuck or are struggling always seek support and get help through this process.
I believe you do not get over the loss of a loved one, but you do learn to live without them and find a new normal. And we can Always bring that loved alive once again for a while by remembering them, talking about them, the good and the annoying bits, the adventures and the mundane, for they are not forgotten, they are missed.
For me I love the poem by Canon Scott Holland (1847 – 1918)
Death is nothing at all…………..
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone;
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well.